I think ive gained weight. I hate myself so much. And whats worse? I love my bf more than anything. He never compliments me, wants to hang out, never just hugs or kisses me, never spends time with me and his friends at the same time. But talks to so many other girls. Theyre all ugly bitches. But they are skinny and i am not. I hate myself because i guess i am not pretty enough or fun enough to be loved.
Ugh i failed myself again tonight. I purged. I couldntt take it anymore!! After my last post i preceded to do 250 crunches and 50 leg extensions. Then i lost control, downed two cups of water until i was gagging. And then.. I purged :(. I don't often. I limit myself to restricting. I hate purging its so gross and Im all snotty and teary eyed. Idk. Well i purged until Im pretty sure all of the chocolate was out of my tummy. Im still super paranoid like i still feel so full. Ugh :( i want to cry. What a terrible day. Tomorrow Im doing a liquid fast. For sure. Its my punishment. I feel like ill never get any closer to my goal. Im in such a rut. Gah. I need to look at fat girl thinspo. It should help me!! Feel free to message or comment. I could use any advice. No rude comments though please..
I just ruined my whole day. I ate 528 calories worth of little chocolates wth!! Idk when the last time i ate that many calories!! About 800 for the day now wtf wtf wtf! Im gonna do a thousand crunches now while i watch the vampire diaries. Ugh everyone on this show is so skinny! Fmlfml
I think Im starting to relapse. My prozac isn't helping me anymore.. Anyway, by the way, i keel trying to reply to my comments and message people and it won't go through. Just know you girls are what keep me motivated and i read all of your blogs from the beginning. Y'all are beautiful and inspiring <3. So far today for lunch i made me a huge bowl of meatless spaghetti with wheat noodles. Although i was so hungry just looking at the food made me want to throw up! So i ate like five bites and gave the rest to my dog.
I haven't drank as much water as i should have today. I've drank lots of my favorite beverage. Diet rootbeer- xD delicioso!
i worked out for an hour today at the gym. A mix of 4 miles on the exercise bike. Like 20 minutes on three treadmill jogging and then i did weights and about 100 crunches. I caved and drAnk a soup when i got home. About 20 cals so that wasn't too bad. But Im already hungry again ugh working out makes me starving! I took the slimquick razor today and i didn't feel any difference appetite or energy wise :(
My foot hurts. The burn was rubbing against my shoe all day.
I love a day to remember. I know that's random lol but i have been jamming them all day.
I love hayley Williams. She is my idol. She's so skinny. Here is some hayley thinspo. I love you guys y'all are so strong. Stronger than me!
So today i woke up super early for me, at 6:30am! I usually wake up at like 3 in the afternoon. No wonder im so fat.. So i need to stop over sleeping. Soo then i watched Dr Phil, ate a banana, and got ready to go to the gym. My friend didn't wake up early enough to go with me :(. But i was proud of the fact that i went regardless of whether or not i had company. So i went to the gym even though my foot was killing me. After an hour there i got ready for my first day back at work since my injury. I was so nervous. But everyone there was nice. Some of our regular customers came in and noticed that i had been gone. It was nice to know some people care! It was so hard not to eat French fries at work.. We have the most delicious fries. And while they are only 200 cals a basket, i knew i did not need those empty fried calories!! So i got through the hunger pains. After work when i got home i found a cute chihuahua stuck in the fence of my bfs backyard! Needless to say i saved her. She is so skinny :(. I wish i could give her some of my fat! Lol. I named her foxy (x. We are trying to find her a home. We have to many dogs already and foxy doesn't like my little boy chi. He is my pride and joy <3. After the excitement i gave into my hunger pains:( i ate about 3/4 of some onion and veggie soup. Soo good. No more than 200 cals. Prolly less but i don't want to cut corners ;). Then i went to sleep from like 3-6pm. Im so lazy!! When i woke up the family was trying to make me eat the spaghetti they made for dinner. I really didn't want the carbs .. So i politely declined and ate what was left of my black bean veggie burger from last night (i threw away some of the bread). I don't want to think of all of those calories!! Even though i didn't get any mayo on it or cheese :). I find i get really sick everytime i eat.. I guess my body has gotten used to small portions and when i go crazy and eat like a burger it is like too much food!! Still having lost any weight.. I dontt think. I don't want to weigh myself until next week. Im not even tempted by chocolate and chips anymore.. :). I did cheat today though and ate some baked vegetable chips lol. Wow ive come at least a little further than i was if i think that is cheating. I really feel like i did badly today though. I just got bAck from walmart right now. i bought some slimquick razor. For women, maximum strength. I don't want to try it tonight because it has caffeine in it and i have work early tomorrow . But ill write about my first day on it tomorrow. Goodnight girls.
